My Dream (Before I Go)

I have a recurring dream that is very emotional for me. The dream takes place in a stadium on what appears to be an ice rink. I am in the middle of the rink playing a white baby grand piano (an instrument I really wish I could play but don't have the patience for in reality). I am playing Yanni music from the album "In My Time". I cherish this album, it is a very powerful nostalgic album for me. Especially track three, "Before I Go". Whenever I listen to that album, and especially that song, I think of all the important people in my life. In my dream I am playing "Before I Go" (but sometimes all of the album) to the lovers I have had in my life. Yes, in the middle of an ice rink. There is dim light on the rink, some soft white spotlights. I look more beautiful than I ever have in the white spotlights, wearing a long flowing snowy white silk gown, and an angelic glow. Most of the time when I am dreaming this dream, I am alone on the rink playing to my lovers of the past. Sometimes there are figure skaters skating across the rink, in the most beautiful heartfelt performances. As I am playing for my past lovers, they are as emotional as I am, and the music I play breaks their hearts. But my heart does not break, and I play stronger and more powerfully with every stroke of the keys.

I am not entirely sure what this dream means, but my performance is highly unlike me. I wish I could be as beautiful as I am in the spotlight. And my lovers have made me feel as if I was, at least for a while. Part of me longs to not only be with those I once loved, but also to give back the strength they gave well as the hurt. I think I play for them because that is the only way I can get them to feel any emotion toward me, the piano is on the vehicle for that emotion. I have often wondered in reality--why couldn't they feel as strongly for me as I did for them? How could I have meant as much? Maybe if I had been more talented at love, more attractive, then maybe I could have been loved in return? Music is the only way I can let my inside show.

Sometimes I wish I would not wake up from that dream, because part of me longs to be beautiful.

"You must share with me more of your music: music touches my soul more than anything else..."
--a former lover

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