Thank You

I feel greatly loved, more than I have in my life. I want you to relish this--
store it up in your heart and return it to me again.
-- Seth

Dedicated to Seth

I'm writing this because I think of you often. I am at a crossroads in my life, where I look at the past and wonder where my future is headed. Its hard to believe I'm only 23 and have so many regrets and lost moments, and I think about them every day.

I often think of the last time we were together and happy, one evening in April of 1997. I think of the cool air from the open window, and the candles lit in the sill. I remember I talked to you about a love I so deeply regretted, and that I longed to have another chance. When I told you I would never forget not being enough for someone else, you told me I was for you. For just a moment I saw a future in your eyes, and I knew I could love you forever. That moment frightened me. Although I always wanted to be part of someone's future, I was too used to being someone's tainted past. You always saw past what everyone else could see. In your eyes I was everything...and I had never been everything to anyone. I did not know that the night I saw a future in your eyes would be the last night I would spend with you. If I had known, I would have held you longer, or shared more with you, or told you how much you meant to me. But the next day I made a decision that would change the course of our relationship.

My decision was to take a chance with a lost love, someone I had cherished. He had disappeared a year before, and reappeared into my life like a cruel magician. And like the magician he was, he disappeared never to be seen yet again, taking my heart with him. As much as the sadness devoured me, I knew I deserved it.

Even before I loved you, you were always there for me. You had a calm and gentle way of easing my pain, and helping me see the truth in my own difficulties. When I dreamt of you, you were often a priest or a minister, holding my hand in the times I felt most alone. I took adavantage of the purity of your love, wishing for something more lustful from a fantasy. Something I was used to. I was not used to being loved from the heart. Even now, with the man I know I could spend the rest of my life with, I have never experienced again a love such as yours with the purest of intention. You gave, never wanting anything in turn but me as I was.

In the end I became part of your past. I cannot imagine how what I have done effects you, or your relationships. or maybe it does not effect you at all, and you came out stronger. All I know is that if you feel the way I do, you are mourning the loss of a good friend, and someone who cared for you deeply. If you feel like I do, you remember our special moments fondly, and sometimes with laughter or tears. You think about the time we drove for hours, with no destination in mind. You think about our religion and philosophy debates. You think about studying together, long talks, laughter, and back rubs. You think of love. But even more special than our love was the bond of friendship between us. Although a love may not have lasted forever, our friendship could have lasted lifetimes.

Although I could never erase the hurt I caused you, I can tell you your love helped me more than you can imagine. I remember you fondly, miss you more than I can express, and part of you will always be with me.

Thank you.

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